3. Angst

(Objects in the rear-view mirror are closer than they seem)

Here I lie..
Ruminating...
nostalgia and nausea jostle;
while fear and relief intermingle.
Thoughts of another life come by,
of what could have been.

Of an agonizing conception came I,
niggling as a painful tooth.
Loved perhaps as a pet cat would be;
yearning to be a human,
to live as one should be.

Wincing...
from those days of freedom and lost loves and misadventures,
from memories of painful adolescence,
crying out for company.

Abhorring...
the loneliness in a gang of fifty,
yet passing on the hurt and pain,
by picking on other boys,
to prove that manly stature.

Afraid…
to step into that room,
full of normal people,
those with pretty faces,
and a stable mind.

Not knowing...
pimples do not un-make a man;
neither girls an image.
Peace comes not from love;
only pleasure comes from this pain.

Enjoying…
holding hands on the seashore;
playing hockey with those misshaped stumps;
broken bones and misplaced teeth;
casts full of cheerful signatures.

Now, broken lies…
that vision of greatness,
a heart full of hope…
of a successful career,
of finding that lost love,
of togetherness in this judgmental world,
and many a parents’ dreams.

All that keeps me going are these painful lies,
that objects in the rear-view mirror are closer than they seem.